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Dear Missionary Position,

You don’t get any respect. People think you’re old-fashioned, or bland or submissive. The other positions are more popular than you are. Flashy pornos feature kinkier ways to go at it, and popular magazines feature sex positions that would make a carnie contortionist reach for the Ben Gay. Some of those positions are just balancing acts for acrobatic show-offs more interested in human Jenga than sex. And then there’s Shakespeare, who called you the “beast with two backs.”

I’m never more connected with the woman I’m kneading the dough of love with than when her legs are wrapped around me, our bellies are flush against the other, and our eyes are locked. Teeth find lips, pelvises slowly grind, and skin ripples. You’re the best position to deliver that quiet, trembling post-orgasm whisper that no one can ever hear but is understood completely anyway. You’re the best. I think it’s high time someone speak up on your behalf, as you’re a classic. And between you and me, the Kama Sutra is just Sanskrit for “High Maintenance Sex For Bored People.”


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