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Aquarius: It’s about time you stop spending time at the strip club. You’re becoming a regular at the bank & at the club. You’re like two beers away from getting up there and joining the people on the poles. This is really just your EXTREME attempt to run away from emotional expression.

Pisces: Stop giving your credit card information to every person who calls saying you will win a free cruise! You’re identity has been taken more times than virginities.

Aries: You recently slashed your roommates tires because they ate your Cheetos. That’s straight psycho considering they venmo’d you for them and that’s like most readily available item at every gas station/grocery store in America

Taurus: You recently passed out on the treadmill at the gym which was low key hilarious, but it was just because you were trying to prove some point that anyone could run 26.2 miles if they listened to Eminem’s Lose Yourself for 5 straight hours.

Gemini: You can’t help but secretly sniff strangers hair. You do it EVERYWHERE, in the checkout line, in public bathrooms, and even at the gym (gross) but it’s because you’re so curious and nosey about what kind of hair products they’re using. News Flash: it’s not a secret ppl can clearly see you.

Cancer: You CONSTANTLY imagine your life is a sitcom, and purposely do things because they’re better for the plot. You see yourself as the lead and the people around you as the supporting cast. You even laugh randomly in conversation to play the part as the laugh track.

Leo: You might need to look into a career change!! You’re 9-5 cubicle job is basically like Chinese water torture and your days away from breaking and stapling every person in the office to their spinney chair. You’re a creative being so this was bound to happen.

Virgo: You make yourself physically sick worrying about your kids & if they’re gonna find true love, or, if they’re gonna have kids, & what if those kids become serial killers or worse, they like the Kardashians. The only problem is that you don’t even have kids yet & the only committed relationship you’re in is with Uber eats.

Libra: You LOVE telling the story about how you got cheated on so everyone will feel sorry for you. Your close friends can tell the story verbatim now, and the weird part is that it happened when you were THIRTEEN.

Scorpio: You are throwing shade to every single person around. You’re jealous of everything, one persons job, another’s apartment, someone else’s extensions, a persons earlobes, someone’s belly button, like I’m saying EVERYTHING.

Sagittarius: You NEVER take life seriously, but sometimes it goes too far. You literally make everything a joke, like that one time you turned your grandpa’s funeral into a Weekend At Bernie’s skit.

Capricorn: You’re so impulsive, you ate your entire Easter basket on Sunday and now you’re having HEAVY regret. Your sweat has smelt like sugar all week like you’re a walking peep.


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