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Aquarius: You absolutely HATE being bored, and that includes significant others as well. You should attach a revolving door you’re apartment it’ll be easier.

Pisces: Your old bestie you ditched months ago because of her negativity, has been HAUNTING you ever since the split. Going to all the bars, stores, and Starbucks you have been in. You’re not going crazy, she’s straight stalking.

Aries: You’re a classic germaphobe. Your nightmares include, handshakes, dirt, and people. And stop drinking hand sanitizer after every kiss you give your S.O.

Taurus: You keep spending all your rent money on lulu lemon, anthropology, and Nordstrom. So much so you’re gonna be living on a park bench pretty soon. But you’ll be the best dressed homeless person on the BLOCK, so there’s something.

Gemini: You’ve been flip flopping careers like it’s a old fashioned kitchen in HGTV. You need to pick something and stick to it long enough to actually get a full paycheck.

Cancer: You can tend to be a TAD bit clingy…it’s nothing new you’ve heard it before but the second you get a little bit of feels you hold on tight until your claws are drawing blood from their skin.

Leo: This might be the weekend of Love for you leo!! But remember a relationship (even a one night stand) includes two people not just you so maybe let the attention be on them for just a little bit.

Virgo: You are DEFINITELY too practically to be a hopeless romantic. Your idea of romance is someone who already has their 401k and retirement plan set up. Advice watch ‘Sleepless in Seattle.’

Libra: I don’t know what your friends would do without you. You’re like Judge Judy always breaking up the fights. You keep doing you cause without there would be a lot of bruises & broken things, and possible slashed tires…

Scorpio: You have more secrets than the CIA. I think you’re the only one that things the number of siblings you have needs to be protected like it’s the number of partners you’ve had. But if your day job never works out maybe apply to be a spy, that’s really your natural calling.

Sagittarius: Sometimes you say stuff that you know is going to blow up and piss people off but then once it does you act TOTALLY innocent. Bringing up a women’s right to choose at a bible study wasn’t a good move, like what did you think was gonna happen?!

Capricorn: You’re a CLASSIC pessimist. You can mistake a wedding for a funeral and even though committing to 1 person for the rest of your life is as scary as death, it’s still too negative. Keep it to yourself.

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