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Aquarius: You’re hunger strike for whatever cause you’re fighting for now needs to come to an end because you’re HANGRY as hell! Plus you know you’re low key doing it to lose weight too.

Pisces: You’re weird collection of Girl Scout badges is just bizarre. You go around to thrift shops all over Indy looking for them. You have like 100s now and the weird part is you were never even a Girl Scout as a kid???

Aries: You need a freaking beach umbrella for all of the shade you have been throwing around. You’re like a Wendy Williams clone and TRUST ME, we already have enough Wendy Williams for this world.

Taurus: Stop bragging to everyone in your office about how your boyfriend can beat anyone in fortnite, and talking about how he won that ONE time. Majority of your office has NO IDEA what you’re saying…you’re showing your age.

Gemini: You’re low-key a fraud. You have all these books you keep in your home and you carry around/take pictures with using the caption “my current read” but let’s be honest, you haven’t read a book since your sophomore year of HS. And the glasses you wear aren’t even prescription

Cancer: You spread rumors like an STI. You have multiple group chats just dedicated to your gossip, it’s like a full time job. You stir the pot then just sit back to watch like it’s an episode of the Bachelor.

Leo: You’re always humble bragging about your “healthy” lifestyle to your friends and on IG then turn around and roast yourself in a tanning bed like a piece of meat. Those things are cancer beds!! You’re contradicting yourself.

Libra: Stop trying to hotbox your car with your e-cig? You’re constantly getting pulled over and confusing the hell out of cops because news flash: those things DON’T get you high!!

Scorpio: You’re a closet kleptomaniac. It all started by jokingly stealing things from bars but now you have an entire collection of stollen salt shakers from all over Indy. No one needs 46 salt shakers, LMAO! Try to get a grip on it.

Sagittarius: You get sucked into a black hole of conspiracy theories all the time. You believe in the illuminati, the government watching us through our phones, and Alexa’s being a secret servant agent living in our homes speaking to us. It’s hilarious though, you’re keeping us WOKE.

Capricorn: You are wound up so tight your roommates are Calling you Kim Jong Un behind your back. It’s time to take off your dictator hat and let your hair down this weekend!

Virgo: Disclaimer: I totally forgot to read your horoscope this week, but let’s take this as a lesson that the world doesn’t always revolve around you ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

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