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Aquarius: You need to stick to older guys. You’re too mature for guys your own age. There’s a reason why you’re always crushing on your friend’s dads. Instead of them try to aim for like 5 years older, and not 30.

Pisces: You are so superstitious. You are a grown adult who still sleeps with their pajamas inside out for a snow day from work. That might explain why your closest intimate relationship is with your bumble app.

Aries: You often try to become the leader when being a follower would be the best. Like when you decided to take charge when your friend broke his nose but then ended up passing out breaking YOUR nose bc you can’t stand the site of blood.

Taurus: You have a list for everything. Like you have a list for all the different lists you still have to make. BUT I don’t think your boyfriend enjoys the romance checklist you insist on marking off between second and third base. Highlighters & post its shouldn’t be involved during foreplay.

Gemini: One word: CHATTY. You chat it up with everyone around you, in Kroger, at the gym, and even at the gyno. But chatting with the sketchy dude with the huge white van on the side of the road was too much, you’re gonna be the next #MurderMonday before you know it.

Cancer:  You get offended by almost anything! It got a little over the line when you yelled out at a professor in the middle of the lecture hall because you felt attacked by his theories on quantum physics. Like how does math shame you for your views on gender equality, it doesn’t even make sense????

Leo: Stop sliding into the dms of every single guy who is here for the nfl combine. You look THIRSTY. Instead just stalk them at the bars and make it look like you casually ran into them, like Alex is planning on doing.

Virgo: You can be a high key hypochondriac. Your bug bites are not STD’s. 1. Because they’re on your arm & 2. Because you’re a virgin!!!

Libra: I know you are fine with just staying in and relaxing but wearing a diaper because you’re too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom is straight GROSS! You smell like a baby who has a diaper full of pooy mushed peas.

Scorpio: You are WAY too much of a perfectionist. You are in such control of your own life that people think you’re a robot that was created by Steve jobs to help the government spy by recording through your eyes & printing records out of your butt

Sagittarius: You are so smart which is super great, but you tend to use big words that like no one else your age knows. No one knows what infinitesimal means, Rebecca!!

Capricorn: You are late ALL the time. You make people around you late. It almost seems on purpose this time. Like how could you possibly be late to your own party at your own house for your own birthday, get it TOGETHER, capricorn.

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