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Aquarius: You’ve been writing you number on the bathroom stalls hoping to get some action for so long. Honey, hop on tinder, because I guarantee you’ll have more luck.

Pisces: The voodoo dolls you have of your ex was funny like 5 years ago, but now you have roommates and they’re gonna find those bad boys and you’re gonna look like the next freakshow friday…

Aries: You’ve been pulling all nighters playing Fort Nite which is super on trend right now but also terrible for like every other aspect of your life, so maybe slow it down.

Taurus: Your friends hate the boy you’re seeing partly because he is a douche, but mostly because he doesn’t stop doing magic tricks which would actually be kinda cool if it wasn’t for the fact that he messes it up EVERY damn time. He’s accidentally killed more rabbits than a semi truck.

Gemini: You might be wondering why you are still single but your crushes are like WILDLY inappropriate. Trust me I get it, you like who you like, but your best friends brother, your sisters ex, your ex boyfriends dad, & your uncle?? Maybe try to go for like anyone on tinder.

Cancer:  You’re going to be feeling suspicious about everyone around these next couple of weeks, you’re gonna find the urges to go through their phone, read their email, go through their trash, and smell their socks, but fight the urges. The moon is just playing tricks with you.

Leo: Stop sliding into Clay Aikens dm’s. One he is a celeb & is probably like never ever going to see it, two he is gay, and also….it’s not 2002. Like why Clay Aiken?? I have so many questions…

Virgo: Your moon is circling into your zone this weekend which effects literally EVERYTHING. DON’T MAKE ANY MAJOR LIFE DECISIONS, I’M WARNING YOU!

Libra: You are SO freaking close to winning HQ Trivia. You have a lot of people behind you supporting you, because by this point people just want to see anyone they know actually win!! It’s gonna take a lot of blood, sweat, & tears but those $2.00 you’ll get will be OH SO worth it.

Scorpio: You are always dripping in all of the latest trends. You are seriously having a moment right now with the 90s. You look like Angelica Pickles if she were into showing some skin, was in her 20s, & overlined her lips like she was a damn Kardashian.

Sagittarius: It’s the perfect weekend to spend sometime at your favorite place, the KARAOKE bar. Your renditions of My Humps, Fireball, and Hips Don’t Lie are TRULY inspiring to the crowd. You really know how to draw tears from the entire room.

Capricorn: You’re gonna find it SUPER hard to resist those frat boys this weekend but look for someone with less douche, which means don’t get swooned over by how many juul tricks they can do and how many beers they can butt funnel.

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