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Aquarius: You’re a low key control freak actually not low key at all… And it got a little crazy when you starting showing the cashier at Kroger how to scan your own groceries…just chill a little bit!

Pisces: Don’t spend another weekend binging the office again and eating pizza rolls in bed as the crums get stuck in the crevices of your laptop… hop on tinder an go on a hot date this weekend or at least a free meal!

Aries: I know you want to get it right and get it tight for Spring Break 2k18, but don’t go overboard, cause your two adays at the gym and slight addiction to pre-workout are tell tale signs that you’re going overboard. Also there’s like no point when you diet all week then drink a 30 pack of beer on the weekend.

Taurus: Valentines day is a week away but you are already expecting WAY too much. I know you told your significant other that you don’t want anything but I know in the back of your mind you think they are secretly planning a hot air balloon ride with a live singer and a vile of their blood in a heart shaped necklace but its not gonna happen.

Gemini: I know being faithful isn’t your BEST quality, but cmon don’t sweat it none of those relationships were gonna workout ANYWAYS! You just haven’t been faithful because you haven’t found the right person yet.

Cancer: I know you don’t like strangers but I’m telling you ubers will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Like it’s beyond me how you have dodged this one but instead of walking two miles home from the bar this way you can take like a 5 minute car ride and when you’re drunk crying your uber will give you an inspirational speech how you deserve someone WAY better than Matt from the gym.

Leo: Your snapchat stories of you being obnoxious and belting out funny versions of all the top 40 songs are absolutely hilarious but the when 10 second clips add up to 5 minutes long that MIGHT be a good stopping point.

Virgo: Don’t you DARE use a gift card for your valentines day dinner. I mean CMON. I know you like to save but the only thing you’re gonna save on is some Valentines day romance after dinner, and no one wants that. Leave the gift cards for your dinners alone.

Libra: Your feministic views are amazingggg and getting all your friends to go to the womans day march and wear vagina hats was super cool, but you’ve GOTTA shave those legs of yours honey. They’re harrier than a chimpanzees belly button.

Scorpio: The prank wars have gone TOO far! They were funny when they started by icing your roommates, or pouring cold water on them when they were in the shower, but letting a snake lose in the apartment was TOO MUCH and borderline psychotic.

Sagittarius: You’re the life of the party so don’t you worry about getting kicked out of the bars sometimes, you keep dancing on those elevated surfaced and bar tops because someone has to so it might as well be you!! I will admit the time you beer bonged the Four Loko was probably a poor choice, but that’s behind you now!

Capricorn: At best you mildly tolerate everything in your life, but at some point you’re gonna have to show a little enthusiasm at some point, like the time your friend got engaged like that definitely would have been a GREAT time to show some enthusiasm and maybe even a “woo” or “yay!”

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