Aquarius: Your palm reading hobby has gotten a little out of hand. Stop trying to be and 2018 version of That’s So Raven. Don’t mess with an icon.
Pisces: We get it, it’s your birthday month. It’s WAY over kill and it’s only the February 2nd. Stop trying to make your 24th birthday like a Super Sweet Sixteen, you’re not some bouje 16 year old.
Aries: Maybe it’s time to close those legs girl, they’re wider than the Mississippi River. Light a candle and find some ZEN this weekend, not men, you’ve had enough men.
Taurus: I’ve got one word for you: BOUJEEEE. I know you like your j crew sweaters and free people jeans but you’re making like 10 dollars an hour right now. You’re either gonna be homeless or in debt if you don’t get your shopping under control.
Gemini: You’re stressing out about getting stressed the week of finals, and the semester started like yesterday. Not to mention all the stress acne you’re getting, you’re gonna pull all your extensions out by April.
Cancer: You need to stop treating your friends like they are your puppets. Your self serving mind games have gone too far, you’re starting to resemble Kim Jung Un, and I’m not talking about his chubby tummy.
Leo: I know you’re hyperventilating about this weekend because it’s your friends birthday party and no one will be paying attention to you, but it will be alright. I mean once the party is over you can have all eyes back on you.
Virgo: Your house is starting to look and smell like a freaking zoo. Trade in some of those ferrets for friends. I mean you can make like 30 wool bikinis from all the shed fur in your apartment…
Libra: CLUCK CLUCKKKK. Stop being a chicken and letting your friends walk all over you!! Show them you can be a BOSS, and stand up to people.
Scorpio: Stop throwing your phone when you get angry during drunken fights, yes it is better than that one time you pulled a girls hair in the bathroom at Kilroys, but you’ve shattered like 23 phones by this point. Learn to chill or just throw drinks, I mean it’s cheaper.
Sagittarius: Your granola and hippie vibes are adorable and everyone loves your free spirit sandal wearing self…..but when’s the last time you showered. You’re starting to smell like chipotle farts.
Capricorn: It’s 2018, you need to advance with the timeeesss. Your views are more outdated than your grandma’s perfume she got from the Vietnam Era.