Given the fact that watching “Hocus Pocus” is exactly what I did with my adult life last night, I can attest that pretty much every single bit of this is accurate.
I ran across this incredi-ballz article on Babble called “52 Thoughts You Have When You Watch ‘Hocus Pocus’ As An Adult” and I’m pretty sure my life is now complete.
And naturally, I HAD to share. Enjoy!
The best part about being an adult, in my opinion, is the freedom to watch the movies you love on repeat, all weekend long, with no judgment from others or a mother telling you to get up and wash your hair. And wine. Don’t forget the wine.
Needless to say, I’m single. And the highlight of my October is the same as it always is: 13 Nights of Halloween on ABC Family. Specifically, Hocus Pocus, AKA the Holy Grail of classic Halloween movies. It’s funny, cozy, mildly scary at times (if you’re under 10 or a 27-year-old who still sleeps with the bathroom light on).
But still, the experience of watching it as an adult is wildly different than as a child when all sorts of things just went right over my head. So grab some Halloween candy and humor me, because here are all the things I just thought when I watched Hocus Pocus as an adult:
- Thackery Binks is not as hot as I remember. I think I prefer him in cat form.
- Why is his name not Zachary? Is Thackery a thing? [Googles.] No, not really…
- I’m pretty sure SJP’s character has spent a little too much time sniffing the cauldron if you know what I mean and I think you do.
- I wonder what a child smells like to a witch. Bacon? Melted cheese? Mmmm.
- Before there was The Weeknd, there was Mary:
- The font size in the witches’ spell book is the same size font in my dad’s phone. AKA visible from space.
- I miss the ’90s.
- But not the fashion. Definitely not tie-dyed shirts and scrunchies.
- “In case Jimmy Hendrix shows up tonight, here’s my number.” This kid’s got moves for a virgin.
- “Tubular” needs to make a comeback.
- I’m changing my name from Amy to Ice. [refills wine glass]
- Max spooning his Allison pillow while his sister watches from the closet is just as awkward as I remember.
- Max is seriously ungrateful for that awesome room. Just wait until he grows up, moves to New York, and lives in an apartment the size of his childhood closet. [shakes fist]
- “You’re 8! Go [trick or treating] by yourself!” File this under: Things Parents Would Get Arrested for Today.
- I love how these parents are all, “You do you, kids, we’re off to get drunk!” If I ever graduate from cats to kids, that will be me.
- Next year I’m totally throwing an Allison-worthy Halloween party complete with cider and tapered candles and fancy Halloween things. [OK I will probably end up just watching Hocus Pocus with my cats again but I’m at least going to spice the wine.]
- “Max likes your yabos. In fact, he loves them.” Every time I hear this line a piece of my soul dies a little more of fresh embarrassment.
- “Oh come on, it’s just a bunch of hocus pocus!” said the virgin lighting the black flame candle before all hell breaks loose. Famous last words, Max.
- I need a YouTube tutorial on Winifred Sanderson’s lipstick look. Immediately.
- You know, if someone had just told the Sanderson sisters about a little thing called plastic surgery, no one would have to die in the name of beauty.
- These “sisters” look nothing alike. I call shenanigans.
- “You’re talking about three ancient hags against the 20th century, how bad could it be?!” This false sense of bravado is not going to do you well in life, Max.
- It’s starting to get mildly awkward how many times they reference Max’s virginal state, no?
- “I suggest we form a calming circle.” Oh, Mary. You sniffed the cauldron too, didn’t you?
- The creep level of this bus driver is only exceeded by the Mrs. Doubtfire bus driver. Just drive, sir.
- Sweet Jesus he let SJP drive.
- NOT THACKERY! NOT THACKERY!
- Oh right, he’s immortal. Gets me every time.
- I need more wine.
- Current tally of how many times they’ve reminded us Max is a virgin: 3,492,840,234
- “He has a little woman.” “Sounds tasty.” I can’t with these ladies.
- Mary watching TV for the first time is me every time my cat rolls over. THIS IS AMAZING NEVER END I LOVE YOU MORE MORE!
- “It’s the chocolate-covered finger of a man named Clark!” [dives into the Halloween candy]
- OK we totally get why they ditched the kids to go to this party. It’s awesome.
- Whoa, mom. Whoa.
- They put a spell on me and now I’m WINE WINE PASS THE WINE.
- Bette Midler mic drop.
- THEY’RE DEAD! THEY’RE DEAD! THANK GOD FOR POTTERY CLASS!
- Wait, just kidding. They’re not dead.
- I’m totally getting a black cat and naming him Thackery Binx and solidifying my cat lady status. Done.
- It’s 5 AM. Parents are still out. They are my role models.
- Damn it, Dani. Way to get snatched.
- Imagine if that cauldron was filled with sangria? No one would be complaining then.
- YES! MAX TO THE RESCUE! This kid is growing on me. There’s a little Freddy Prinze, Jr. mixed with Daniel Radcliffe happening. Or maybe that’s the wine.
- Billy the Zombie waited 300 years to call Winifred a trollop. Worth it.
- 4: The number of fingers Billy has lost tonight. 1: The number of times his head has been knocked off. 300: the number of years Billy has regretted ever pissing off Winifred.
- Would my brother ever sacrifice his life to a witch for me? [texts brother] Answer: “No.”
- THE SUN IS UP! THEY’RE REALLY DEAD THIS TIME!
- Binx! <3
- “I’m sorry Emily, I had to wait 300 years for a virgin to light a candle!” LOL. Guy’s got jokes.
- I can’t wait to watch this every night for the next week and a half.
Yep, my life is now complete.