Yep, I saw this and said to myself “OHMUHGERD THIS IS SOOOO ME” soooo…. I decided that I had a duty to share it with my fellow sarcastic ladies out there who are forever doomed when it comes to the love game….just like me.
Here we go…
One of our biggest personality deficits as Americans is our lack of appreciation for sarcasm. While most of society confuses this trait with being a rude b*tch, the reality is that beneath their shrewd exterior, sarcastic women are actually sensitive sweethearts.
We’re savvy, quick-witted individuals that get a bad rap because people don’t entirely know us or understand our humor. Whereas having a sense of humor is really sexy, a lot of men don’t like sarcastic women.
Nobody wants your tongue when it’s that sharp. Because you’re unafraid to make fun of his tie instead of outright compliment it. Because you poke at his feelings instead of unveil your own.
Here are the 17 times being a sarcastic girl totally blew your chances at finding love.
1. The time you reasoned that your mean-spirited humor was just your way of showing affection… duh.
When you told him that his choice of restaurant really screamed middle class, you were just trying to be cute while complimenting his taste.
You get uncomfortable at all the icky, touchy-feely and obvious displays of affection so instead you use insults to genuinely bond.
Not everyone appreciates a loving jab, though. Next date, you’ll go easy on him and only diss his new car.
2. The time you implied his college degree made him stupid.
Well, that was stupid. Clearly he’s at least kind of smart to have made it to Yale. Sometimes your sarcasm skills get taken too far and you immediately regret what you just said.
You blame yourself — you should have known better than to expect a Yale graduate to have a sense of humor.
3. The time you sardonically laughed at his fumbled advances, even though you found them endearing.
How else are we supposed to react when we’re so cognizant of being hit on that it’s uncomfortable? We’re laughing at you because we’re too nervous and into you to do anything else.
We’re hoping that you’ll jump in on our joke, not be the butt of it.
4. The time he couldn’t tell if you were joking about admiring Charles Manson.
He’s better off not knowing the real truth. You can maintain your mystery this way.
5. The time you pretended like you don’t have casual sex.
Never has misunderstanding a joke been so damaging to your sex life. Men usually love your “I’m still a virgin” bit, not run away from it.
We’re trying to make you want it badly the only way we know how: by sarcastically acting as if we don’t.
6. The time you pretty much emasculated him before he even took off his clothes.
For as well-versed as we are in sarcasm, we’re pretty sh*tty when it comes to real communication. Our incessant teasing is our way of protecting ourselves, especially before a really vulnerable moment.
As a general rule of sarcasm: the more we mock you, the more we like you.
7. The time you were actually being sincere when you said “I love you” and he couldn’t tell.
Congratulations, you’ve earned Jedi status in the language of sarcasm. Your great strengths come at a price though, as others will have difficulty understanding you.
We’d say better luck next time, but we both know this won’t work.
8. The time you would rather not listen to his birth saga.
…We’re just kidding. Sort of.
9. The time you insisted you were the most amazing person on the planet.
You were just trying to be charming and funny and cute. Deep down, we’re a pretty insecure species — employing sarcasm when describing our strengths is our form of feigned confidence.
Just indulge us here, OK?
10. The time you said you hated him.
“I hate you,” means, “I love you.” “Go away,” is code for, “come over here.” “I don’t need you,” actually means, “I want you so badly.”
11. The time you made fun of his girly drink.
We’re like Helga Pataki when it comes to flirting: Our insults are our way of expressing our adoration for you.
On the outside we’re mocking everything about you, but on the inside we’re melting with fiery, pent-up passion.
12. The time you shrugged off a drink but really wanted it.
You tried to play it cool and it backfired big time, and now he’s moved on to the obvious bimbo a few feet down. Sarcastic ladies, listen up: Guys are really friggin’ dumb and take most things at face value.
When administered a “Read Between The Lines” test, 90 percent of them failed. If you want that drink, be clear about it.
13. The time you blatantly ignored him.
Again, middle-school flirting tactics are at play here. We’re boxing you out because we’re a) nervous and, b) in our twisted minds, we believe it’s working.
14. The time you made fun of his finance job.
What else were you supposed to do? Act impressed that he can count other people’s money? So could Madoff.
Oh relax, we’re just being sarcastic.
15. The time you insisted everything that comes out of your mouth is adorable.
For the most part, it is and we’re so secretly sensitive that we’ll crumble if you tell us otherwise.
16. The time you acted like you preferred to sleep alone.
Good performance gone bad. You thought for sure he wouldn’t fall for it. Sarcastic ladies are always messing with you.
17. The time you accidentally-for-real called 911.
It was supposed to be a joke.