Although it’s “cuffing season,” according to my Facebook newsfeed, everyyyyybody is breaking up. We’ve all been there, so even if you’re sitting on your couch with a half empty bottle of wine, box of Dove chocolate, and every Nicolas Sparks book-based movie ever made, you’ll at least be able to enjoy this, in that “shake your head and chuckle” type of way.
Behold, “18 Pieces Of Unsolicited Advice You Get After A Break-Up”
1. “Try not to be alone too much; it isn’t good for you.”
You’re right, putting my feelings to the side and heading out to the club.
2. “It’s only rough in the beginning; it’ll get better as time goes by.”
3. “You should look on the bright side of things.”
Really, what is the bright side? That I was dumped?
4. “You should use this time to find out what you really want.”
Um. Yeah, I think it was pretty clear that what I wanted was a relationship.
5. “You could do soooo much better.”
That is really not helping.
6. “Don’t let this bring you down.”
I realize this is not the end of the world, but I can think of very few worse things that could happen to me.
7. “This is actually a blessing in disguise.”
Wait a minute, is there something you knew about my relationship that you never told me?
8. “This is the perfect time to get to know you.”
Oh, I know myself pretty well, thanks. But clearly you really don’t know me.
9. “Don’t listen to depressing music; it’s not healthy.”
Right now the only person who understands my pain is Adele, and she is making me feel better.
10. “You should just go out and have sex with somebody to help you get over it.”
OK, that is a rather temporary Band-Aid and it might actually make me feel worse in the long run.
11. If you really think about it, you’d realize it wouldn’t have worked out.
What are you basing that on?!
12. “Find a healthy way to channel your emotions.”
Crying isn’t healthy?
13. “This will only make you stronger.”
I don’t know if being emotionally destroyed is something that will give me strength.
14. “You should just get back on that horse and put yourself out there.”
Have you realized that maybe I am not in the right state of mind to be dating anybody? It’s not fair to them or me.
15. “Don’t worry, the right person is out there for you. Just be patient.”
16. “You should get rid of everything that reminds you of your relationship.”
Cool, is there a way to get rid of my memories too?
17. “You should really get on Tinder.”
Have you been listening at all? My issue is NOT meeting people.
18. “You just need to get over it and move on.”
Just…stop with the advice….before your newly-single friend strangles you.