This is pretty awesome on a number of levels. One, because many of these are on point. And not to mention the blogger who wrote this, Crissy Malazzo, is absolutely HILARIOUS.
But forewarning, this IS a blog about sex, so there’s gonna be some adult verbage. Sooo, probably not a good idea not to read it if there’s a chance your boss—or child—is looking over your shoulder. Ooooootay!
So here ya go: “25 Cringeworthy Sex Moves Girls With Guys Would Stop Doing”
1. Bad kissing that refuses to quit. Guys. Please stop aggressively biting , licking, and forcefully pushing your faces into our mouths. We get that you’re into it, but is all of this necessary? Kiss lightly and carry a big stick.
2. Spitting in general. There’s definitely a time and place for spitting. I personally feel that it needs to be asked for, but I have friends who feel that it can happen organically. Either way, please do not spit on my boobs or face or really anything unless it feels incredibly appropriate. Do not Miyagi. This is not a wax on, wax off scenario.
3. Chronic, every two minute position switchers. We’re fine where we are. Who are you trying to impress? If you’re trying to switch it up every 30 seconds, please chill.
4. One position wonders. At the same time, please do not keep trying to get behind me at every opportunity to move. I get that’s where you want to end up. Let’s get there first, okay?
5. Boob massaging, sucking, and mushing of any kind. Are you a mammogram machine? No? Okay, then stop examining my boobs with your hands and mouth. It feels like you are searching for lumps. Just do deliberate things to the nipples. That’s it. That is all we need. We have gynos to do the rest.
6. When guys are overly enthusiastic about oral. I love that you love to do that, yes, but I don’t need you to insist on spending thirty minutes between my legs, trying to play my vagina like an instrument. It’s just excessive. Quality over quantity.
7. When guys jab their tongue during oral like it’s a weapon. Tongue jabbers are a tragedy. Just tone it down. Try some different stuff, like lighter stuff. And for the love of God, please stop trying to spell the alphabet onto my genitals.
8. Guys who try to nibble your ear lobe but actually lick your ear and do a sort of wet willy. Biting is fun. A little sucking is fun. A school yard bullying tactic is gross. Keep your tongue out of my ear, please.
9. Fast and loose fingerblasting. I am not a thing that needs to be plunged. I am a person. There’s no gold at the end of this rainbow, no secret lock to which your fingers possess the key. Stop that.
10. Repetitive tapping of the clitoris. I know you played a lot of video games, but do you really need to treat my clit like the “B” button? It’s not going to respond to continued aggressive pressing. It has no cheat code.
11. When guys do the ‘come hither g-spot move’ way too hard. I appreciate you trying to access my pleasure centers or whatever, but right now, you are dangerously close to accessing my bladder.
12. Premature choking. Don’t choke me while we’re making out, or before we even get close to me putting your hand on my throat. It’s best to have an ask here, or at least a sort of tentative gesture. Anything else borders on assault, and no one wants that.
13. Guys who are bad at dirty talk but insist on doing it anyway. Like, these dudes meekly call you a whore and you just feel like “uh, no?” Or you talk to us like you filled out a sex ad lib, like “I love when you blank my blank, you big blank.” If you’re not good at it, just moan like the rest of us.
14. Guys who ask repeatedly whether or not you came. If you have to ask, then you know the answer.
15. Guys who ask whether every little thing they do is okay. We appreciate the sentiment, but not the extremely uncomfortable pauses.Please stop saying “do you like it” with every move you make. You’ll know if we don’t.
16. Guys who push your head down during oral. I am not a human FleshLight. I repeat, I am not a human FleshLight.
17. Guys who basically are just there to see how close they can get to abuse. Spanking, choking, scratching, and biting can all be fun. But they might not be fun if they’re really aggressive and scary and feel like an attempt at murder.
18. Guys who don’t get that use of the words naughty/cock/pussy are all context dependent. No one needs to hear the word “cock” more than two times in a given day, so please stop referring to it repeatedly during sex. There is a time and place for dirty talk. You’ll know it when you feel it. If you feel it all the time, then that is not it. Also, just never say “naughty.” You sound like Austin Powers.
19. When there is no noise making whatsoever. Honestly though, excessive dirty talk is better than nothing at all. Why are you so quiet?! Are you a strange sex-having monk? Are you one of the characters from The Leftovers? Speak! Moan! Hum! ANYTHING.
20. Trying to sneak in butt stuff. We get it. You want butt stuff. Just ask for it. Stop trying to get there via drunk maneuvers and “accidental” slips.
21. When guys excessively scratch your back. My back is not a canvas for your male dominance. I am not a scratching post. A little scratch is good. A lot is evidence.
22. Sucking on anything like you’re trying to get juice out of it. The labia, clitoris, and nipples do not need to be sucked as if they are full of something you’re trying to get at. It honestly feels like a weird clinical exam. Stick to the basics here and just do not try to fit as much in your mouth as you possibly can, no one needs that.
23. Attempting to penetrate deeper every time as if it’s a contest. There is no buzzer on my cervix that will initiate an orgasm when you hit it. It just hurts and it’s pretty weird.
24. Saying that you hate condoms but putting it on anyway and then trying to take it off every five minutes. We don’t like condoms either. They just prevent pregnancy and life-threatening disease, okay? That’s the realness. Either wear it and shut up about it or just don’t have sex with me. Stop trying to be a condom ninja who makes it “suddenly” fall off. You’re not. I can see and feel all your stealthy attempts.
25. When you’re on top and guys try to make it into their moment. Guys. You’re trying to do all this pelvic rotating, thumb on the clitoris massaging, girl-I’ll-blow-your-mind rubbing and it’s good intentioned, but it’s just unnecessary. There is a REASON I am on top. Let me have this.