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BREAKUPS.

We’ve all been there—and if you say you haven’t then either 1) You’re lying 2) You’re delusional 3) You have an imaginary boyfriend 4) You’re Amish.

I, for one, consider myself to be quite the professional when it comes to breakups. So whether you’re a girl looking for advice to get over that douche-wad who dumped you last week, or the one who thinks that her man reallyyyy ended the relationship because “he didn’t want to ruin the friendship”, OR if you happen to be one of the douche-wads who dumped me and just came here out of curiosity to see if I will pull a Taylor Swift and completely call you out (muahahahaha *evil laugh*)—well then, you came to the right place.

Lets just preface this with one thing. Breakups suck. Completely. No way around it. Nobody likes to waste their time, energy, or emotions on someone who is pretty much the human equivalent of a bottle of tequila. And what do I mean by that? Well…because 98% of the time, in the end, when they run out, you end up looking like a disaster and acting like a complete fool [and probably ordering pizza…which you will eat, alone…].

There are a few types of breakups, and I’ve experienced most of them. And in reality, they are easier to deal with than you think. Seriously. It’s all about re-framing your view on the situation.  So, without further ado—here’s a few of my favorite (sarcasm..)types of breakups, as well as my take on coping with each of them:

The “We Weren’t Really ‘Officially Dating’ Break-Off” Breakup

So, you met a guy, had GREAT chemistry, and before you know it you’re hanging out multiple times a week, going to dinner, movies, going out….pretty much everything you KNOW fit under the definition of “dating.” However, you never sat down and had “the conversation” where you literally s-p-e-l-l—o-u-t EXACTLY what the hell is going on in your strange little “non-relationship” relationship. You sit there and act like the girlfriend while he seems to treat you like the girlfriend, and his friends refer to you as “his girl”, you get the adorbsies little “good morning” texts every day, and experience any other related semblances of what a relationship should look like, so you ASSUME that you in fact are dating.

Then…all of a sudden, you find yourself completely perplexed and pissed off when you drop by the club one Saturday night, only to find him off in a corner booth with his boys, completely hammered with a stripper on his lap, whispering sweet nothings in his ear.      Seriously people I’m not kidding…..this actually happened to me.    

Then, [hopefully after he washes off the stripper-stench combo of Love Spell, White Rain, and glitter] when he promises to come over to your place after work to sit down and “talk about things”, he somehow manages to lose his way and detour into a local bar before stumbling home with some blonde trainwreck who ends up leaving her clip-in extensions on his dresser like post-hookup weave road-kill. All while YOU are sitting at home like a sad little panda, probably listening to the Drake album (which only makes you more sad and emo).

Seriously, DON’T let it get to the point where the guy has to spell it out for you. Because that’s just sad. Not sad in the normal way, but sad in the “Bless Her Heart” sort of way (which, for those who are familiar with southern terminology—is NOT a compliment).

So save yourself the trouble before you find yourself on the receiving end of a breakup for a relationship that wasn’t even really a relationship to begin with. Sit down. Have “THE CONVO”. Spell It Out. Use Flashcards If Necessary (We’re talking about BOYS here…).And for the love of gawddddd, establish what the hell sort of relationship you are ACTUALLY in before you get dumped and have to start contemplating how you will bounce back: going on an “Eat, Pray, Love” Zen adventure, getting a gym membership, conspiring “classy ways” to get revenge, or…you can do what I did:    start dating his best friend.

Whoops… *shrugs*

Whichhhhh leads me to my next type of breakup.

 

The “I’m Going To Leave You With A Thousand Excuses To Make You Feel Better About The Fact That I’m Dumping You” Break-up

Almost every girl has dated this guy: the dreamer, the aspiring [musician, artist, rapper, quarterback…..—whatevs]. He’s got every quality you adore in a guy, but he isn’t exactly the most stable dude ever due to the fact that he IS an aspiring something-or-other (and may or may not still live with his mommy and daddy…at age 30).

Soooo, in the process of him chasing whatever the hell he’s actually chasing (which, in reality, is probably the freedom to sling his ween wherever he pleases), he dumps you. Whether he’s moving to some far-off, distant land (like Massachusetts) or he doesn’t feel like he’s satisfied with his career or his financial situation and thus can’t provide you with what you need/deserve in a significant other….either way he pitches it, the bottom line is: he dumps you.

Well that’s just freaking depressing…

Lets break this down, shall we?

You got axed by a dude who doesn’t even know what he’s doing with his own damn life? Um hello. If this dude can’t even figure his own ish out. What makes you think he can handle having a girlfriend  who would probably end up making him feel self-conscious and emasculated anyway due to her obvious amazeballzness. Then, WHILE dumping you, he gave you an endless amount of good-guy excuses so you can’t have any grounds to kill his game (since that’s the only thing he seems to have going for him).

Wake up, sister. The only way to cope with this sort of break-up is to take a step back and re-evaluate the situation. What you’re crying over is spilled milk. No…cheaper than spilled milk. Spilled water….from the water fountain at the park swimming pool. Eww.

Feeling better? Good.

 

The “Complimentary” Break-Up

This is one of my ABSOLUTE FAVORITES.

Ahhhh yes…typically this is the breakup which seemingly comes completely out of left field. But in the beginning, things were great. This dude is fun, easy-going and everything just seems to mesh. He’s got a sense of humor (yay!), a job (thank God...), and doesn’t suck at life in general. Then, throw a little (or a lot) of chemistry in there and congratulations girlfriend: welcome to brain-is-cloudy-Nicholas-Sparks-novels-are-totes-real-life  Def Con 5 dumb zone. So all of a sudden you go from your first date, trying to carry on a conversation and not look like a complete idiot with your eyes watering like Niagara Falls while trying to eat the hottest shrimp cocktail known to man…to three weeks later, finding yourself two states away for his best friend’s wedding and meeting his parents. Whoa…

Now if you were a wise grasshopper, you woulda/shoulda/coulda taken a step back from your DVD of The Notebook and taken a look at your situation and realized that this was about as wise of a life-decision as leaving a bottle of Big Sexy Hair near a bonfire. However, in our infinite girly wisdom (and by “wisdom” I really mean “wis-dumb”), instead of doing the intelligent thing, we find ourselves more focused on helping said “dude” name his adorbs new puppy after a character from the Jersey Shore (<—honestly, you should’ve dumped YOURSELF for coming up with that brilliant creative decision…)

Anywhoooo, AT SOME POINT something changes…andddd you find your silly emotionally-invested ass at your nearest McAllister’s Deli getting dumped over a turkey club. Like who does that even happen to? (*raises hand*). But I haven’t even gotten to the best part. Yes, this is where the “Complimentary Break-Up” comes into play.

A “Complimentary Breakup” is a breakup in disguise. So…yes, you’re being dumped but it’s being COMPLETELY turned around on you so that somehow you can walk away from your now half-eaten turkey club actually thinking that this dude did you some sort of favor. how sweet, right? So, there you are—being DUMPED through compliments, which include (but are not limited to) some of my all-time hall-of-fame favorites: “I’m just not a good boyfriend. I’ve cheated on everyone I’ve ever been with. You deserve better” or “I can’t be a good boyfriend to anyone right now” or “I would rather back off and just be friends instead of 6 months down the road, say I make a mistake and I lose you. I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than not be able to have you in my life at all” and my NUMBER ONE, BLOW YOUR MIND, ABSOLUTE FAVORITE: “If I got married tomorrow, you’d be the girl.”

What in theeeee entire F kind of breakup line is that?

I mean, you gotta give it to the dude. Because after you are on the receiving end of a “Complimentary Breakup” dump-fest, you don’t have time to even consider being upset or angry because your mind will have been screwed in so many different contorted directions that you won’t know if you should feel sad, mad, be flattered by all the compliments, start venting to all your friends, or…you can hit an all time low and go drown your sorrows in vodka at a Glee concert.

Betcha can’t guess which route I chose…but it may or may not have included singing along to a lottttt of Journey songs…

Here’s the worst part about complimentary breakups. Aside from the initial total mind-effing of the dumping act itself, there’s the awkward after-phase, where you really don’t know what to do. Well this dude just gave you all these nice compliments about how he really cares for you and wants to keep you in his life…soooo that would mean you should try to maintain being friendly and texting and all that jazz, right? Ermmmm, no. Guess what boo-boo? You got DUMPED. And it’s better that you realize sooner rather than later that you are not truly dealing with a dude who actually cares and wants to keep you in his life–because maybe the timing just wasn’t right and you can hold out hope that you might get back together?

Noooo sista-boo, what you are dealing with here is a dude who doesn’t want you to pull a Taylor Swift and completely blast him to all your friends, or even worse, all over your Facebook…or [in my very unique case]—- blow him up on the radio. Sneaky sneaky little tiki, isn’t he? So he just pulled a rather genius tactical move where he could successfully break up with your amazeballz self while coming out looking like the hero (*cue the lightbulb in your brain*).

I know it sucks, but someone has gotta give you the tough-lovin’ truth: it’s better you realize exactly what the situation really is immediately and moving on, instead figuring it out two months down the road when his soon to be new-girlfriend posts a lovely morning-after photo in his house with the dog that you helped name.

“Can’t be a good boyfriend to anyone right now” hmm???

Uhhhhh…WHAT?

So when that moment comes–-and it will–-please fight the urge to hop on the crazy-train by texting this dude to give him a piece of your mind and stringing together a chain of Honey Boo Boo-esque “captions-required-because-I’m-pretty-sure-this-doesn’t-sound-like-English” words that sound more like an exorcism-meets-Jerry-Springer-meets-PMS hybrid, or by telling him to go jump in the nearest creek—or canal, because well…that won’t get you anywhere, and it suuuure as heck won’t help your newly-single mojo.

Sure…you can do all those things in your mindbut when you are done, remind yourself that you have already schooled yourself in the fine art of breakups and are way too fly to cry or do anything that might suggest that you are less amazeballz and Beyoncé-tastic than we both KNOW you are.

So, come on girl:  pick yourself up, dust your shoulders off…and remember that a Break-UP is just the first step towards an UPGRADE.

OR….

You could always write an entire album dedicated to trashing your ex and make a career of it :)

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