Is it politically incorrect to say there are certain things that women want from men that may be considered a double-standard? Probably. But that never stopped us before, don’t you know it. The fact of the matter is that there are certain things that most women do not want most men to do in front of them. Trust! These may range from the gaseous to the testicular, although, surely, not all women will be in agreement on this list of the indiscreet. Additionally, some women still want to be able to do these things themselves (see: “Weep to Excess”), but they don’t really want their man doing them in their face. Remember: Double-standards are fine, as long as we set them. (Kidding! Sort of.)
1. Release Toxic Fumes. Yeah, sure, you fart, I fart, we all fart. But, frankly, some dudes take flatulence to a whole new level, as if it were a competitive sport or a non-stop source of entertainment. We won’t hate it if you release gas in front of us every once in a while, but if you wake up one day and we’re wearing a gas mask, you may want to pinch it, buddy.
2. Flirt with Other Broads. I don’t speak for all the ladies when I say I don’t care if a dude goes out and flirts with other chicks when I’m not around, but, dude, don’t do it all up in my face. If you need to pump up your ego—you know, remind yourself you can still pull a girl—by all means, don’t let me stop you. But do it on your own time. Or I may get all up in someone’s face, and no one wants that.
3. Weep to Excess. Exceptions: Death, downsizing, favorite team losing at Super Bowl. Otherwise, women don’t want to see their man all blubbery all the time. It makes us feel uncomfortable. Or like we’re the man and you’re the woman. You’re not a woman, are you? No, you are not.
4. Shave Their Testicles. This falls into the category of TMI when it comes to testicles. Personally, several of us girls here at The Frisky think you shouldn’t be doing any manscaping at all, but if you insist, keep that private grooming to a private room. Besides, seeing a razor that close to the coolers for your baby-factories makes us nervous.
5. Watch Porn. This is not me and you watching porn. This is I’m reading a book, and then I look up, and I realize you’re watching something that could be deemed obscene by a court of law. When called out on it, “Geez, wah?” is not a suitable response. If you want to pretend get it on with a bunch of pixels, you’re going to have to leave us out of the loop. Unless we want to watch it, too.
6. Randy Couture the Wall. Slamming your fist into a wall so hard that you punch a hole through the drywall isn’t cool; it’s creepy. It’s out of control. It makes us wonder what would happen if we were the wall. Now someone has to fix the wall. If you have anger management issues, take up MMA, talk to a shrink, or hang a punching bag from the ceiling. The wall appreciates it.
7. Get Totally Obliterated. Save this activity for boys’ night out. The time you did it in front of us, and puked in a bucket, and then fell over and hit your head? Suffice to say, it was not your sexiest moment.
8. Cut Your Toenails. I don’t care what your gender is, this is always gross. Do alone or go home.
9. Trim Your Nosehairs. NO. JUST. NO.
10. Drop the Kids Off at the Pool and Then Try and Have a Lengthy Discussion About It. We don’t want to know “how it went,” hear any attendant bathroom jokes that just occurred to you, or find out how we really should not go in the bathroom anytime soon. OK, maybe we do want that last warning. Cheat sheet: If your bowels are involved, be discreet.