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5 SECRET SIGNS YOU’RE MARRIED — EVEN IF YOU AREN’T

There are more things that bind two people together forever than a marriage license. As everybody who’s been in a long-term relationship — married or not — knows, there’s much more to being married than the piece of paper from the city hall. So here is some handy proof for us marrieds to keep on hand for the inquisitive and unbelieving.

Popping Zits

If you’ve ever popped a zit in front of someone else, or FOR someone else, I hate to break it to you, but you’re so married. This goes doubly for ingrown hairs. Once you’ve done this for somebody, there is no going back.

Farting

Whether they are loud and proud or quiet and stinky, if you’ve farted around someone, you’ve taken the bond to the next level. It’s the intimacy equivalent of getting on one knee in an Italian piazza and proclaiming your undying love.  When you get a warning that it’s gonna stink, and you should get away or even leave the room … this is true love.

Plucking Your Chin Hairs

When you do this in front of him, or he helpfully reminds you to, or you spend a portion of Saturday morning trimming his ear hair, please tell me where I can send your immersion blender, because sorry, you’re married. How does it feel? Fancy, right?

Laundering the Other Person’s Dirty Drawers

If you’ve done this for someone… YOU’RE MARRIED. There are things seen in this process that cannot be unseen.

Anything Non-Sexual Involving the Ass

If you’ve helped your partner with constipation, fetched him more toilet paper mid-poop or listened to his story about his medical enema or the intestinal tear that required stool softeners, you are utterly MARRIED. This is a bond with that person for eternity, like having group sex or accidentally murdering somebody together.

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