HOLIDAY: Effed Up Famous Family Turkey Day Traditions

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As crazy as you may think your family is—what with creepy uncle telling TMI stories and grandma getting schnockered way before dinner—just be thankful you don’t have to spend turkey day with any of the following cuckoo crazy clans.

Rehab stints. Reported racial slurs. More wives than you can count. The occasional holiday stabbing attempt. Not to mention having to watch Bristol Palin practice her cha-cha over and over and over!

Well, we wonder which of these dining sitchs would make you vamanos the fastest:

The Palins

Reported racial slur-filled outbursts and the occasional tabloid-rumored drug deal aren’t the least of it. With Sarah putting on her happy homemaker persona—we assume in this scenario the cameras are rolling for her second TLC special—while Todd plasters a smile on his puss in the background. Don’t bother trying to get a word in, with Sarah boasting how her fellow mama grizzlies are taking over Washington! Hey, maybe Willow will slip you some of that liquid sustenance her pals swear she downs so well. That’ll take the edge off.

The Lohans

While Linds is apparent tres sad that she can’t skip town to spend T-giving with Dina and Co. in Long Island, we say count your blessings, babe! Instead of having to listen to the media-loving matriarch pitch post-rehab paparazzi outings or complain about her equally annoying ex-hubby, Linds can clock in some R&R at Betty Ford. Plus, I’m sure B.F. has a nice meal planned between group sessions.

The Browns

You all remember “party boy” Kody Brown and his Sister Wives Meri, Janelle, Christine and newbie Robyn, right? Cause you all voted them the couple (or, uh, clan?) with the ickiest sex life. So could you imagine giving thanks with the polygamist pack, what those poor ladies saying how grateful they are to get a fourth of their stringy-haired hippie husband’s time. And with 16 kids too, don’t expect to get a drumstick.

The Sheens

Talk about drama with a capital “D.” Charlie and Denise may have patched up their already-too-patchy relaysh of late, but things aren’t quite as cordial with soon-to-be ex wife Brooke Mueller. Put everyone together (plus a reality show camera or two) and you’re guaranteed more than a “bad night,” as Charlie dubbed his latest meltdown. Plus, there’s that turkey carving knife and we all know what happens when you combine Charlie, holidays, and objects with stabbing potential.

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